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Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Mercedes-Benz GLE "Coupe" Is Everything Wrong With New Cars

FUN FACT: "GLE" is German for "Troll Car"
OK look, we've been here before. I've done long rants about crossovers, I've done long rants about preposterous niche cars that make no sense, I recently did a long rant about diluting brand vales and I've even made fun of Mercedes-Benz's naming system before. I'm not going to waste too much time getting my opinions across on this new GLE Coupe [it's not a god damned fucking coupé you daft cynical marketing-department bastards......]

Here is a >1000-word rant condensed into note form, by seeing if the GLE can fill a checklist of all the things wrong with new cars from this decade so far:

✓ Meaningless Alphanumeric Name (Bonus Point for vastly inaccurate engine-size numbers)
Performance-Branded Version [GLE450 AMG] Not Actually Engineered By Said Performance Brand
✓ Fills a Nonsensical Market Niche (Bonus Point for thinking they can merge two polar opposites)
✓ Off-Roader Designed/Engineered Specifically for On-Road Use [See 22" wheels on low-profile tyres, for one...]
✓ Numerous Grilles, Some of which Are Fake
✓ Fake Engine Noises (Bonus Point for also amplifying gear-change noises for whatever reason)
✓ A Trillion "Driver Modes" for Transmission, Suspension, Driver Aids, Fake Engine Noise, etc.
Stupid OTT Name For A Feature [heated windscreen with automatic wipers called "MAGIC VISION CONTROL"]
✓ Huge Heavy Car with [probably] Numb Electric Steering Marketed as a "Sports Car."
✓ Cynical Marketing Ploy to Exploit Gullible Rich People
✓ Automatic Transmission with More Gears Than You'd Ever Really Use [9-speed]*
Baffling Array of Expensive Optional Extras [it's German so we can take this as a fact immediately]
✓ Non-Retracting iPad-Style Dashboard Tablet Screen That Sticks Out Like A Sore Thumb
✓ Pisses Internet Car Enthusiasts Off By Being Idiotic But Selling By The Bucket-Load [probably]
✓ Marketing Department Pretending It's New and Innovative When It Isn't [BMW X6, anyone?]

See dash screen for annoying design feature #352
X 1,000,000 different body surfaces to try making it look "stylish" [this car only has like 100 so it gets a pass, see Lexus NX for exemplary surface-rape]
X SUV from a brand that exists to make Sports Cars/GTs/Supercars [Mercedes generally make everything so it's not blasphemous on that level]
X Huge retro version of a famous small car

OK, so it misses out on three of the items, but it got pretty close to being everything wrong with the car industry today. On that last , if you want to see just how much the marketing people went to town on the Press Release, click here. It's a pile of bullshit almost as tall as the car itself...

Remember, kids, just because somebody does something wrong over and over again, doesn't mean it becomes right. Saying "alot" instead of "a lot" all the time doesn't make it a word, it just means you're always doing it wrong. Cars like this are the same deal...

*They add more 'economy gears' so that it cruises at really low revs at 60-80mph and allows them to claim a higher overall MPG figure. Because apparently overdrive isn't cool anymore.

[If you see this writing anywhere other than Small Blog V8, it has been copied without the author's permission and should be reported]

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