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Monday, 27 January 2014

Toro Rosso STR9 Doubles As Marital Aid

2014 Toro Rosso STR9
2014 is the year of change, and Scuderia Toro Rosso are embracing this in two ways. First of all the Faenza, Italy-based team are changing from Ferrari to Renault power, so that they can make the rear half of the car more similar to the Red Bull RB10 (because of this, I shall henceforth mostly be referring to them as Taureau Rouge). Second of all, they have decided to change from being Red Bull's sister team to being Red Bull's brother team, which became clear when they revealed their STR9 at Jerez ahead of tomorrow's opening winter test. Yup, it's another phallic nose, but this one looks to be the best-endowed of the lot, making the McLaren MP4-29 look a bit inadequate. Take a closer look at that nose-dildo:


Rumors that it vibrates at the touch of a button on the steering wheel are hitherto unconfirmed
From this angle you can see how the glistening shaft penetrates between the front wing struts and into the soft folds of aero-refined bodywork. Air flow rushes into the tight gaps on either side so that it can brush gently down the car's underside and burst out of its stiff diffuser in a flurry of excitement. Ooh er.

Being made to look like they're compensating for something all year will be Frenchman Jean-Eric Vergne ("Jev" to his friends) and barely-legal Russian amateur Daniil Kvyat, who proves that money talks louder than qualifications sometimes. One or more of them will be taking the car roughly in the garage and then, once they've inserted themselves, will ride it all day long at Circuito de Jerez and experience a journey of discovery. You know part of you wants to watch in a darkened room, but unfortunately for you all that we'll see of the Jerez tests will be voyeur photos from people at the track. But maybe you like that kind of thing. You can also hear it screaming as the revs climax in this video.

"Yes, stand at the back of the car, boys. That way nobody will make......... comparisons."
Taureau Rouge need to start stepping up their game. Not only does Sebastian Vettel's surprise win at Italy in 2008 remain their only podium finish, but for the last few seasons it's basically been between them and also-ailing Williams as to who provides the barrier between the faster teams and the "new" teams that joined in 2010 and have barely sniffed a point in four seasons (well, three seasons for HRT). What's more, only two of their drivers have actually managed to ascend to Red Bull like they're supposed to, namely Vettel in 2009 and Daniel Ricciardo this year, so that's also been called into question. Whether an aero-penis helps them climb back up the grid remains to be seen. Maybe they'll beat Ferrari by a nose?

Here's a less offensive angle. Note the cardboard diffuser shield for secrecy reasons

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